Metros

They call it the definitive alternative but don't expect to think 'Gosh, I've never heard this song before'. What you can expect is a real mix of tunes, from the Klaxons to the Jacksons. If you look good on the dance floor, you're doing it wrong; don't pose, just jump. The lack of toilets is frustrating, the décor uninviting, and the just-out-of-bed look is the dress code. Prepare yourself for the humidity; it's not called 'Sweatros' for nothing. But hey, after you've lost a stone or so in perspiration, tuck into the free toast. Yes, free toast.

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